Why Do I Do This To Myself?

Sometimes the only thing people here or see are the good and strong moments. It is really hard to show people the weak moments. I just wrote this like half  an hour ago...sometimes you need to remind yourself that you are actually sick and that even though you are technically in recovery that it doesn't mean you have been "healed". For anyone who is wondering, this is what a not so great meal time looks like to me:


"Why do I do this to myself? I do this same thing over and over and i never seem to learn....i feel like Prometheus- a man who did a great deed and then was punished over and over every single day his action. I convince myself that I deserve a treat, that I have been good, that I am hungry, that it will all be OK....and then I eat, and eat, and eat without thinking or hesitation and then....in the moments after, when all is said and done, i hate myself for having forced so much food in my body. I hate myself in those moments after when it feels like everything i have accomplished is taken away from me. Sometimes i hardly remember eating at all- my stomach is stretched out and my heart drops like a stone,and i hate myself. i want nothing more than to crawl into a hole, or to go to the gym and push this awful food out of my body- to work it out, to sweat.

I am so beyond weak to myself- it is disgusting. I am disgusting. How can I stop this?

I am denying myself the future i deserve and yet i can't seem to stop myself. I am destroying the hard work that got me to where i am now....or am I just being carried away and everything will be fine? I don't know. I don't know the answer, and it hurts."

This is part of what it is to have an eating disorder.

Remember to be kind to one another. Remember to be kind to yourself.