Dealing with Dysmorphia

"You must be so proud of how much you have changed!"

So many people have asked me about the changes to my body. Some are vague questions and some of them are super specific, but most people usually end with comments about how much my size has changed. Granted they are right! In December of 2017 I was wearing a size XL shirt, size 16 to 18 pants, my bra was a 38C/D and I was getting to the point where even my shoe size went up! Now I am wearing a 6 or 8 in pants and my shirts are all smalls. I had to buy new bras too, which are 36 Bs. I have been able to wear some shoes that I had kept for a long time that had become too tight!


So yes there have been alot of changes to my body- and logically I know that they have happened but the changes are hard to feel. Body Dysmorphia is a common problem for people who have OSFED and those who don't. Dysmorphia is, in the basic sense, when you don't see your body accurately. Imagine going to a fun house and walking through a hall where all the mirrors contort your body into different/exaggerated shapes- every reflective surface in my life has the potential to show me something different- different than reality-different than the last time I looked. The hard part is that often times what I see in the mirror is what I USED to look like.

It is so hard to explain how it feels to be lied to by your own brain- wouldn't be better for my body and mind to see all the hard work that I have put in? Why does my brain have to work against me like this? It can be very frustrating.

So I would like to share some tools I have learned to help myself combat my dysmorphia and work towards seeing myself accurately and objectively. One of the ways I have been able to combat this problem is by getting rid of my old clothes for good and telling myself there is no going back. I have these moments in stores where I sometimes pick out clothes in sizes that are too big for me now. I have never as a teen or an adult walked into a store to buy jeans and needed a size 6 or 8....at least not until now. I find myself looking at clothing in 10s or 12s and thinking "oh this is right!" then of course in the dressing room it is all too big. So then I have to go back and and get 6s or 8s- then I sit there for a time just STARING at them- they look so SMALL which is a word that I never applied to myself. Everyone who has ever struggled with weight knows the painful gauntlet that is buying pants/jeans...how it feels like torture, how it can effect your mood and feelings of self worth.

But then a miracle happens! I try on the pants and they fit! Not only do they fit but they look good too! Then it sinks in that what I am seeing and what I am feeling are not the same thing, it clicks, and for awhile it usually sticks with me.

Another thing that has helped me- something my therapist has encouraged me to do- is taking progress pictures. Because this change has happened over such a long period of time the changes have been gradual- incremental even. So in order to see the changes effectively side by side comparisons with pictures for me have been the best way.

If you want to more research on BDD and dysmorphia in general you can read more here: https://www.psycom.net/eating-disorders/body-dysmorphic-disorder and here: http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions/8-things-you-should-know-about-body-dysmorphic-disorder-bdd