When you've got nothing left...
"I don't know how you stay so motivated...."
Guess what, I don't! I don't always feel motivated- in fact lately I have not been motivated at all. I have, real talk here, going through the motions but not really committing to my goals. I have been doing well in the gym, but I have not been on my strict diet plan like I should be- and it shows. The results are not there, and that is on me. I am owning the fact that for the past month I have been eating more than I need- been feeding my stress instead of fueling my body and as a result I have not moved in weight or in progress....
Last night was a pretty bad night- Halloween can be so much fun but with that comes all the candy and cookies and poor food choices that often lurk around the office and at home. Combine that with the stress that life seems to place on you and the combination can feel like a time-bomb of failure- just waiting to happen. So there I sat- in my car with my PLM Lenore crying.
So what do you do? Everyone says "Well you just need to get back on track!" Right, I totally KNOW that, but knowing and doing are two very different things. It weighs on my mind constantly that I haven't been on track, which of course leads to stress, which then leads right back into eating that stressful feeling, which leads into feeling off track....see where I am going with this?
I just want people to understand- to really see and hear what my the REST OF MY LIFE is going to look and sound like. I am angry- angry that I am never going to have a relationship with food the way other people do- I'm never going to not think about what I am putting in my mouth, I'm never going to not think about the impact of the food I am eating has on my brain and my body. I'm angry that I am never going to be able to eat like other people- it isn't fair.
That anger has been showing in me this past year- I don't know if it has always been there and now I voice it as a part of not numbing my feelings with food or if this anger is new- either way I would like to say to anyone reading this...If you have seen it, heard it, felt it, or been affected by it....I apologize. It really is an anger that is internal- directed at my own self- or at a situation I find difficult...and rarely if ever are you the problem there.
Honestly, at this point I am so tired. Tired of the counting, the weighing, the measuring, the everything that goes into just making one day a good day. I have been at this for a year and there have been so many moments that I feel empty- my Motivation tank is on E. How can you keep going and keep giving and keep doing when you have already given it all? How do you pick yourself back up and keep going when you feel like you can barely (metaphorically speaking) stand up?
The answer I'm finding is multilayered. On some level you do it because you just do- it is part of who you are now- so get up and go to the gym and eat your plan. You also rely on those around you- your friends, and family, trainers, partners, therapists, doctors, etc. They are only here to help you and sometimes it is up to them to step in- and yeah things might get a little rough between the two of you- they might get to see that anger monster that lurks always demanding (GIVE ME WHAT I WANT, it screams). But if they love you and want the best for you they will stick it out with you, knowing that you are fighting that monster as hard as you can. You work a system. I have a printed out calendar for November and every day that I keep to my eating plan and come in under budget I get to put a check mark and every day that I don't I put an X. I'm going to see just how many good days I can put on that calendar and I have set a reward for myself (beyond reaching my weight goal). If I make it and end up with 10 or less bad days this month- I get my reward.
So here it is, November. A new month and a new chance to start over. Who wants to start over with me?
Last night was a pretty bad night- Halloween can be so much fun but with that comes all the candy and cookies and poor food choices that often lurk around the office and at home. Combine that with the stress that life seems to place on you and the combination can feel like a time-bomb of failure- just waiting to happen. So there I sat- in my car with my PLM Lenore crying.
So what do you do? Everyone says "Well you just need to get back on track!" Right, I totally KNOW that, but knowing and doing are two very different things. It weighs on my mind constantly that I haven't been on track, which of course leads to stress, which then leads right back into eating that stressful feeling, which leads into feeling off track....see where I am going with this?
I just want people to understand- to really see and hear what my the REST OF MY LIFE is going to look and sound like. I am angry- angry that I am never going to have a relationship with food the way other people do- I'm never going to not think about what I am putting in my mouth, I'm never going to not think about the impact of the food I am eating has on my brain and my body. I'm angry that I am never going to be able to eat like other people- it isn't fair.
That anger has been showing in me this past year- I don't know if it has always been there and now I voice it as a part of not numbing my feelings with food or if this anger is new- either way I would like to say to anyone reading this...If you have seen it, heard it, felt it, or been affected by it....I apologize. It really is an anger that is internal- directed at my own self- or at a situation I find difficult...and rarely if ever are you the problem there.
Honestly, at this point I am so tired. Tired of the counting, the weighing, the measuring, the everything that goes into just making one day a good day. I have been at this for a year and there have been so many moments that I feel empty- my Motivation tank is on E. How can you keep going and keep giving and keep doing when you have already given it all? How do you pick yourself back up and keep going when you feel like you can barely (metaphorically speaking) stand up?
The answer I'm finding is multilayered. On some level you do it because you just do- it is part of who you are now- so get up and go to the gym and eat your plan. You also rely on those around you- your friends, and family, trainers, partners, therapists, doctors, etc. They are only here to help you and sometimes it is up to them to step in- and yeah things might get a little rough between the two of you- they might get to see that anger monster that lurks always demanding (GIVE ME WHAT I WANT, it screams). But if they love you and want the best for you they will stick it out with you, knowing that you are fighting that monster as hard as you can. You work a system. I have a printed out calendar for November and every day that I keep to my eating plan and come in under budget I get to put a check mark and every day that I don't I put an X. I'm going to see just how many good days I can put on that calendar and I have set a reward for myself (beyond reaching my weight goal). If I make it and end up with 10 or less bad days this month- I get my reward.
I feel like I say this a lot but your blog is such a fresh air to me. I relate to your struggle so much. Thank you for sharing yourself and your journey with us. Last night I cried over food. I got my meal prep from the refrigerator and before I could even warm it up my partner said 'I know we can't have it but I want pizza.' My entire day went down the drain after that one statement. It was all I could think about. I obsessed about it. I suddenly wanted pizza too. So, I put my food back up and went to bed at 7:30. I would have rather starved for the night than eat a meal that wasn't pizza. I understand your anger. For years I thought I didn't attach emotion to food but the truth is - food is my emotion. It makes me sad, angry, and happy. And I'm so tired of constantly thinking about it. I wish food was easier for us. I really like your calendar idea. I may give that a try too!
ReplyDeleteOh girl, I h ave been there too. I have cried more times than I can count over food. But it won't get any better hiding it from people... try the calendar thing- see if it works. I was reminded by a friend that I should also add check marks for self care every day and if I make 20 out of 30 days I get some treat- like a spa day or something that is self care related. Let's make it a challenge!
DeleteDone! Calendar printed.
DeleteSame here!
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