The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

"So what do your 'good days' look like?"

The Good Days:

Man, the good days are really good. You might be surprised at how many good days actually happen, or are made to happen (let's assume some control here!). The good days are days where everything goes according to plan. In fact, the BEST days are where things go according to plan and I didn't even have to think about it. Example: I get up on time, I hit the gym and get shit done, I go to work, I go home and all my eating was planned out and satisfying and nothing un-expected happened. Those are the days that really make me feel great. I like the feeling of being in control and feeling like I don't have to constantly think about food.

The Bad Days:

I wish I could say I never had bad days, but I do. The bad days are well....bad. Bad for a lot of reasons too. Maybe I'm stressed and I eat more than I intended, maybe I didn't work as hard in the gym as usual because I'm tired or sore, maybe I am just feeling off. These days happen, and then they pass and usually the next day is better.

The Ugly Days:

These are the worst of the bunch....though few and far between these days are the hardest. Nothing seems to go right at the gym, nothing seems to help the feelings of guilt (about eating), shame (about being disordered), hatred (towards myself or my weaknesses), failure (to stick to my plan), and the many others. These are the days I go home and cry because there isn't anything else to do...I cry about not being able to intuitively eat the way other people do. I cry because other people get to eat what they want, in the amounts they want, whenever they want it. I cry because I'm tired and sore and I feel like I am trying to keep my head above the water. I don't want to have to constantly worry and obsess over what I'm putting into my body, what kind of work I can get out of my body. I'm usually very angry at people who have never been fat in their lives talking about themselves and how "fat" they are getting.

But, part of me is grateful for these days too. If it weren't for a day like that then I never would have realized it was time to go and talk to someone and to really get right about my health now while I could.