Impostor Syndrome

"You are such an inspiration! "

Sometimes I really feel like Supergirl- then I come back to reality.

Lately, I have had a lot of conversations with people about my journey, about this blog, about all kinds of things- people keep telling me how inspiring I am. That is amazing, and most of the time I light up from the inside out because helping people feel better and do better and be better is part of my mission. 

But then there are moments, some times whole days, where I don't feel very inspiring. I get a real case of impostor syndrome, which if you don't know is...a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud". 

A little info-graphic never hurt no one...

So yeah,  I get that feeling alot. Don't get me wrong if you find my story inspiring that is GREAT! Please tell me all about it. But also know that sometimes if I maybe don't look as confident at your comment as you think I should- it is because there are so many times when my brain tells me I'm a fraud. 

TRUTH

My brain literally tries to work against me every single day and tell me all kinds of horrible things about myself, my brain tries every single day to tell me that I need to cope with things using food, that I need to eat even though I am not hungry. Essentially my brain made up my eating disorder to protect me when I was a child- the only other option was a total mental breakdown. I don't know WHY it happened, only that it did. Part of that is dealing with this impostor syndrome (not that everyone who experiences eating disorders also have impostor syndrome or vise versa).

Who doesn't want to be a Strong Strong Friend? Shirt from www.strongstrongsupply.com

I just want everyone to know that yes, I am working hard. But I know I could be working harder. I know that I have made HUGE life changes, but I know there are so many more to make. I want everyone to know that I fail, I fail spectacularly all the damn time and it is no one else's fault except mine. Those are the days I really feel like I am a fraud. Those are the times when I really feel like I have let down all the people watching me....and it could be nothing more than eating a few mini Hershey's or something in the middle like not doing well in the gym that day to something big like a completely off day, a binge meal, or gaining weight.  

Introspective Instagram Photos oh my!

I guess this post has come about because I did have an off day- off meal. I don't want to go into too much detail but I had a bought of binge eating (or what felt like binge eating) last Friday night. Emotional eating is and will likely always be a part of my life... I know that and usually I can work my way around it but last Friday there was no escape. The worst part is that I could feel it happening-see it happening- but felt like I had no control. It is like when you have a nightmare and everything is moving in slow motion and you know the monster that is chasing you is going to catch up with you no matter how much you try and out run them. 

Me and one of my good friends Sara after climbing Stone Mt. in GA

But there is a light at the end of that tunnel...I was able to get myself back on track and realize that I had had a moment of binge eating and separate myself from it. It is in the past and I have moved forward from it. I would like to report that I am so back on track that it looks like I will make my cut phase goal in a few weeks and begin the tough task of then trying to put on muscle! Thank you to everyone who have encouraged me, given me kind words, and have shared how I have inspired them. Thank you to everyone who has been supporting me-I know I could not have gotten here without all of you! Thank you to those who read this blog and go through all of this with me.

If you ever want to reach out and chat with me about any of this- the journey, the struggle, the celebration- you can reach me here by leaving a comment. You can also send me a message on Instagram @powerhousebarbie.