Introduction: Life Long Problems and OSFED

"Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and wondered...is this really my body?"

I did. I did that for so many years I lost count- the first time I knew I was different from other kids was elementary school. I was the chunky girl, the one with the rosy round cheeks, who would huff and puff her way around the school yard. Even to this day I'm not sure why...genetics? poor eating habits? Honestly, I don't think I will ever know. 

I'm the blonde kiddo with the cake in her hand!

Probably the last time I wore a crop top anything!

In the fourth grade my mom started having clothes made for me by a lady. I was so sad that we couldn't just buy stuff from the store like the other kids in my class (Note that this was the early 90's). Kids were cruel- it didn't matter how smart I was, or how nice I was, or how amazing I was----I was fat and because of that I was bullied for years on end. 

I think I was a cat for Halloween-but in a jacket cause it was cold.

Then the worst of it hit, those two dreaded words: Middle School. Up until this moment we could wear our own clothes to school, but then everything changed. Our school decided that uniforms were the way to go and let me tell you they had no style-no give- and no flattering choices either. The bullying became more and more intense and of course no one seemed to care. The teachers couldn't or wouldn't step in and my parents....well lets just say that I ended up not telling them all the things that happened at school.

This was for my High School year book. 

My weight seemed to fluctuate with puberty- like it does with all girls. Some of it moved from the middle upwards into my chest and some of it down into my hips, but that mid-section was still firmly there. It followed me into high school as I struggled to lose weight. I dieted and yo-yo-ed back and forth never really knowing how to keep the figure I wanted. Even at my thinnest in High School I still remember being disgusted with myself in the mirror. The 2000's fashion trends didn't help either.

Wow, I don't remember this picture and that person certainly doesn't "feel" like me, but it is/was.

I ended up in a very serious relationship with a man when I was 17, I say man-he was only 19- but for the first time in my life a man was truly interested in me (emotionally, physically, etc) Long story short (that should be another whole post) my poor self esteem led me into a long term relationship that ended in emotional and physical abuse- a marriage, a divorce at 24, and more trauma to my body image. 

Probably the heaviest I have seen myself as an adult.

After my divorce at 24 I began to really try and get serious about my health. I started working out at Planet Fitness and really found out how out of shape I was. Slowly but surely I started seeing some results, but my diet was not healthy. I was bouncing between 1400 calories one day and 700 calories the next- ON PURPOSE! What was I thinking, you might ask, I know I ask myself that too! I was so done with people's comments on my body, I was so done always feeling less than because there was more of me, I was trying to force my body to be what I wanted it to be in the time frame I wanted.

This was taken in early in 2017 I believe. 

Needless to say that attempt failed miserably and I found myself in a never ending cycle of dieting and crashing, back and forth, over and over again. 

I had started and stopped more "diets" and "workout routines" than I could count!

I told myself all kinds of things when I failed, trying to support myself- "not everyone is meant to be thin" "some bodies are just like this" "I should 'love' my body no matter what its size" etc. 

I also kept on telling myself the horrible things I have always said to myself- "you are fat" "you are unattractive" "people don't like you" "no one thinks you are pretty" "why do you do this to yourself"

THIS is one of those sets of pictures that triggered my worst day ever.

Flash forward- several years and several life milestones and I found myself working at a therapy office... It was January of this year when I finally realized I needed help. I had attended a party with tons of my best friends and de-facto family members and when I saw pictures of myself at said event I was MORTIFIED. I, in my mind, looked fat and sweaty and horrible. I hated those pictures and there they were out there for everyone to see. And so was I. 

That was probably one of the worst days of my life, emotionally speaking. I was so down and so disgusted I knew I finally had to seek out some help if I was going to make the changes in my life I needed. So, I consulted one of our clinicians here at the office who works with people who are struggling with weight, food, body image, and eating. She made some recommendations to me and I scheduled an appointment. I had only seen a counselor once or twice before that so I wasn't sure what I was in for. 

When the words "Eating Disorder" came out of her mouth I almost fell over. How could I have an eating disorder? Look at me?  I did not look like the kind of person who has an eating disorder...not at 216 lbs. But the more she talked and the more I answered her questions it finally dawned on me that there were more than the "big two" eating disorders. Everyone has heard the terms Anorexia and Bulimia before what perhaps is lesser known, and was to me, was the term OSFED.

That is what I have- OSFED. It stands for Otherwise Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder (you can look it up in the DSM4). I was....floored. Suddenly the struggles I had had with food and eating and my feelings about my body were not because I was "too lazy" or because " I didn't want it enough"....I mean on some level my eating and my habits were still my fault (I'm not going to claim they weren't) but there was now a clear reasoning behind them. I felt lighter emotionally than I had in years! 

Since January, my doctor and my therapist and I have worked very hard to make sure that I am living my life in a positive direction. I am working on finally honoring my body and working toward living in the body I have always needed/wanted. 

Part of OSFED is not having an accurate picture of yourself in your head- body dysmorphia is a very common problem among women with OSFED. Part of working on that is taking side by side pictures.

Wanting to lead a more active lifestyle has helped me get moving and motivated. I love nature and have always wanted to be one of those people who hike. I have started going on a semi regular basis and I am loving it.

If you want immediate updates you can follow me and my journey on Instagram @vickivegasnc

So below I am going to give some purely statistical data so that you all have an idea of where I was and where I am now. I might also include some goals too. I really want to impress upon any of you reading this right now- if you have or have had similar thoughts about yourself and your body-please seek out someone to talk to. If you think you have disordered eating or unhealthy eating habits- please do all you can to educate yourself. Doctors, Therapists, Councilors, Friends and Family are all great places to start. 

Ok- time for stats:

Starting weight: 216 lbs.

Current weight: 152-154 lbs.

Height: 5 ft. 4 inches

Age: 29

Gym Time: 5 days/week

Current Deadlift max: 230 lbs.

Goals:

-deadlift to 300 lbs by Jan. 1, 2019

-to encourage more people to seek out a healthy lifestyle

-to share and engage with people about my journey

So- If you want to learn more and to get to know me and my story- keep following along here.

One of the latest pictures from my journey!